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broken heart

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i’m struggling with this broken heart shit.  alot more than i thought i would struggle with it. 

i remember always thinking that i wouldn’t let myself get stressed and depressed but that is not the case here.  she has totally turned me for a loop.  i have argued and cried and stated my case and she ain’t biting.  what should i do to get her back because that is all i want to do

i’ve been trying to keep my mind occupied with other shit: ice skating, sign language, roller blading, exercising, ukuele.  alot of stuff but even with all of that shit i can’t get her out of my mind.  every waking moment i am thinking about her. looking at my phone to see if she will call or text or write or update her facebook. 

nothing went wrong with this relationship,  she left me for herself, to better herself and she doesn’t want me around while she does that stuff.  she just got back from a family vacation from florida which i was invited to before she broke up with me.  I feel like we could’ve used that to better our relationship. ya know a nice long vacation with no stresses no worries just fun.  i hope she had a good time.  i wish she would want to tell me about it. 

i wish she would want me back.  i wish i knew what she was feeling.  i am under pressure.  i’ve lost my grandma,  my girl, and now my chance at becoming a firefighter.  i have nothing to hold onto, nor anybody to share it with.  being alone sucks.  and went i met her all that went away.  I was always able to make myself happy being by myself then she showed me that having someone to love can be a much more happier setting. 

so, now that i am back in the single lane i need to figure out how to make myself happy again.  I have not had a “crazy nick fit” in years.  I really miss that which is why i’m trying the blogging thing again. 

i’m listening to Queen right now “under pressure” and he just did the crazy scream part and i wish i could do that right now. 

dude i’m such a fucking tool.  if i’m a man’s man then i should go out there and find some tail.  but i’m not like that.  Holly is the best tail of any animal i could find.  She whipped it the best, she used it the best and it was the best.  Of course “tail” is metaphorical for herself. 

she thinks that i am blinded because i am in love with her so much.  and i know that our relationship had its ups and downs.  we fought and yes she made me feel bad sometimes.  but sometimes you got to work at it and sometimes you don’t  But i never stopped loving her.  And i will never stop loving her no matter what.  We were perfect.  all three and half years.  we were perfect through all the fights.  we were perfect through all the good times.  thats the thing, we had so much fun together just the two us

now i’m listening to “find me somebody to love”  find me somebody to love find me somebody find me somebody to love find me somebody to love find me somebody love somebody somebody somebody to love anybody find me somebody to love!!!!!!!!!!!!

but i know who i want to find to love.  i want holly to love. 

its like i don’t know how to be myself again with her.  i don’t even want to sing anymore. 

“She’s a bad mama jama”

i got real excited yesterday because of the ASL (american sign language class) yesterday.  it was nice to get back in the deaf community.  I met a kid there named alan who is really cool.  he is taking classes at a near by community college and he told me what is required for certification and i can do it!! so i got really pumped.  i just got to refresh myself with vocabulary.  its going to be tough.  but i think i can do it.  i just need something to hold on to otherwise i’m going to go crazy.

the fact that i spent another year holding onto something that i didn’t get is killing me.   the firefighting application was so close to being done and i had to fuck it up.  but it would have been worth it if she wouldn’t have broken up with me.  i wouldn’t have cared so much for not getting it if she didn’t break up cuz she would still be in my life.  now i just have to motivate myself to find something else to hold onto but..

nothing fulfills my life as much as she does.  I was alone my whole life giving laughs and giggles to everyone else and then she came into my life and gave me laughs and giggles.  no one could make me laugh like she did.  and even if we do get back together will she be the same.  will we be the same.  i don’t know. but i know i will never stop loving her.  I will always be there for her. 

dude fucking breaking up sucks sucks sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sux sus sfd=gaerwigjaehgsjnbfdvlg qyh4ewt9pq vhgyg9paetpqewt qyh3tqyh3tg H;OHGOhg  hgo KJRENG kl:sJ F

shai “if i ever fall in love again” is a great acapella song.

i want to stop writing about it i want to stop thinking about it and move on with my life.  but i know as soon as i post this thing and finish i’ll just continue thinking about her an being depress but maybe not. maybe i can go for a run, study some sign language sing frank sinatra and be happy or as best as i can be

so to exhibit A, not the best post or funniest post i have ever written but needed to get it out. so hopefully this will be the last and only post like it and i can’t get a “nick fit” again and write some funny shit

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big ass rats

FINALLY

FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY

SOMETHING TO WRITE ABOUT

OH MY GOSH

GUYS DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG I’VE WAITED FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO HAPPEN

SOMETHING EXCITING

ok ook ok

now if u have ever been to new  york and really walked the sidewalks of new york and i mean really really walked

anybody whose anybody knows that the new yorkers run those sidewalks and streets

but not just any new yorkers

the pidgeons, you see pidgeon every where u go, and they don’t give a damn who you are

they see shit on the ground they are going after it so u better get out of there way!!!

that being said, i was coming back from the city and i got to the subway

now i’ve always known the pidgeon to run the upground but who runs the underground

where are all the crap of the city lays

all the dirt and smelly filth is in the underground

now first thought might be your typical homeless person

BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG!!!! WRONG PONGY  (hey, remember pongs, they were fun!!!)

anyway, everyone was waiting for the subway and what happened, WHAT HAPPENED!!!!

well for the first time!!! you ready, your not ready, SO GET READY

I SAW

NEW YORK CITY RATS BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

THATS RIGHT THAT RIGHT UH UH UH UH UH UH UH

those little bastards are fucking huge as everyone says that are

holy shit!!!! and if u take your eye off of them for one second they are

u know for being fat and sloppy those rat bastards can SCURRY!!!!!!

OH MAN I WAS SOOOOO FRIKIN HAPPY TO SEE SOME RATS OH MAN

I STARTED LAUGHING AND GIGGLING, PEOPLE DIDN’T KNOW WHY

but who cares i saw some rats

their were about 6 of them 4 on the tracks and 2 up top on the platform on the other side of the tracks away from the people

and they just scurrry talking to each other

u know regular rat conversation

“hey george”

“hey garbage”

“u get lucky tonight”

nah, but!!! i did see RALPH almost bite a bug that looked exactly like one of those oompa loompa idiots from the weird movie

hahaha yeah those little fags need a new color

how bout u? get lucky

nah same old shit, ya know tail got run over by the 6 but it grew

again

i hate it when that happens

yeah i know

u know guys stuff like that

it was pretty entertaining

but the size and speed of new york city rats is to put it simply hippity

they are the size of hippos but they can run like speedy gonzalez

AND WHEN THEY EAT DAMN are they disgusting, u wanna talk, stuffing an egg in ur mouth is tough

well these guys make it look easy, then they choke and die

buts its ok

oh man guyz i was so exicted,

that moment was the missing link in my life in they city

those damn rats, i tell ya

hey, they are also smart to know when the train because they can feel it on the tracks

so they get outta the way

man those big ass little rodents made my weekend

WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO GO RATS ITS UR BIRTHDAY HEY HEY HEY

oh man i saw some rats

i’m so happy

The Fly

  OH MY GOD!!!

u know what is so fucking annoying on a frikin 100 degree day

u driving along doo ddoo laaa dee da

u know listen to music u might have your windows open or u could have ur AC on but what u didn’t know is that a fly flew in and some type of bug and u start to hear

that little fucking piece of shit buzzing around in ur car and u can’t get it out

AND ON A FRUSTRATING HOT DAY UR LIKE

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

so u end up rollling down all the windows and ur papers are flying everywhere so ur worrying about some important paper and hopefully it won’t fly out

AND THE LITTLE BASTARD IS GOING OUT HE IS BUZZING AROUND THE CORNER OF UR CAR GOING

HHHAHAHHAHAAAA i’m not gonna leave!!! ha ha ha ha ha ha

ya know that sarcastic laugh

and u start to get agitated cuz its so fucking hot and their is traffic and ur back starts to sweat

so u close the windows and put on the AC again

but the fly goes

oooo ITS COOLER UP FRONT I THINK I BUZZ AROUND THE PERSONS LEGS FOR A WHILE AND ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF HIM THERE

so he goes up there and everytime it touches your leg or feet u gotta slap it

but u never get the little fucker

and he keeps flying around resting on ur feet, toes or legs

and u leg GOD DAMNIT GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR

u open the windows again and go

THERE THE WINDOWS ARE OPEN GO GO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!! UR HOME IS OUTSIDE!!! LEAVE!!!1

but he still won’t leave  so u try crushing him with ur feet but that sly bastard is to fast

and he constantly annoys the shit out of u

AND THEN HE GOES TO THE WINDOW MEANING HE IS ON THE WINDOW

U SEE HIM CRAWLING AROUND THE WINDOW AND U GO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

SO U ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW

AND WHAT DOES HE DO

HE FLYS AWAY

AND UR LIKE

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

and its like that until whenever the fly finally decides to go annoy another person

and all this is done while u have to drive whether in traffic or while going really fast

in traffic its not that bad

but while ur driving the person behind is going

“what the hell is wrong with this person, yeah, a little crazy i bet”

and when u slap ur leg u accidentally press on the accelerator to hard and speed and then slow down

or u slap ur leg while its on the brake and brake to hard and the person behind u goes “shiiiiiiiiiiiit” “what the hell was that about”

AND ITS ALL BECAUSE OF A GODDAMNN FLY

aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, sometimes i wish it were a bee and it would sting me and then the bug would die

goddamn flies annoying assholes

winker vs. winkee

for all the gentlemen out there, the one thing that always gets the girls curious and they will start talking about u, its a guarantee they will gossip about u after u do this

but the context in which u do it is important

ok so guyz, my boyz, ur chilling with ur woman wondering if she is gonna be ur girl, and ur having a good time talking and just relaxing

sometimes it can be used in a conversation indirectly dealing with sex

u know some sexual innuendos here and there

or if ur teasing her in jolly kind of way, u know flirting, ur thinking damn isn’t she lovely

so ur thinking “what would be good to let her know i’m interested?’

WHAT THE GIRLS DO IS HIT

if u get hit by a girl thats a good thing

ok guys hitting a good thing

so she hits ya and yer like oooo i’m getting somewhere

and u say “so missy, u wanna go back to my place and hit me some more”

AND THEN AND THEN THEN THEN THEN THEN HERE IT IS

U READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U GOTTA DO IT

U WINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

isn’t it brilliant something so simple as to close one eyeball and open up again

can have such and impact on the womans mind

they can think no he wants some ass, my fine ass that i have yep i have a fine ass and he wants it (ahah i’m making myself laugh typing this)

OR she can think

“OH MY GOD HE WINKED AT ME!!!!???” WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

DOES HE LIKE ME I’M REALLY LIKE ME” guys this is when the girl takes out the flower and does the “flower pedal pull” it goes like this

she take a flower lays on her bed and asks:

he likes me

he likes me not

he likes me

he likes me not

he likes me!!!!

he likes not (damn)

shot i ran out of pedals let me go get another flower

guys guys so many things are running through her mind when u do this so make sure when u wink at her its correct and appropiate ok ok ok

now what is going through the guys mind after he winks is like

YEAH BOIII THATS RIGHT I WINKED I’M THE MAN!!!

he’s so excited cuz he did something really special and he starts to cry

“i winked i can’t i believe i winked”” his lips quimmer drip drip of tears

i’m so happy i winked

after the initial shock of winking he starts to go to boyz and is like

yo guess what i’m gonna get some asss asss assy wassy

u know why fellas, cuz i winked thats right!!!!

yeah yeah thats right hahah hey SHUT UP WHAT HAVE U DONE TO GET SOME ASS, gave her flowers told her “i love u”

WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! no no noo

winking is where it belongs

the wink seals the deal on the night of concealment under those covers

i winked i’m gonna get some ass

but then he gets worried and goes OH SHIT!!!!

should i have winked with the left eyeball or the right eyeball

damn damn damn damn

darn

damn

oh it don’t matter i winked she smiled its all good

but what if she didn’t really mean the smile

its ok ok ok ok

because i got the rhythm

i got the brains or half of them at least

and i got barry white

so i’m ok right?

yeah i’m ok

 

isn’t it amazing what a wink can do to the mind of the winker and the winkee

(hahhaha winkee sounds funny out loud)

the girl goes crazy wondering if her ass is good enough

and the guys starts crying

to

the girl goes he better back that wink up with some blinks

and the guy goes blind

hahahahahahahaha

that was funny

honestly gentlemen

wink as much as possible when it is right to do so

ok remember winking is a good thing

http://nabber.xanga.com

here is my blog back in freshman year of college when I was full of energy and imagination and a voice that was great when you read it.  At least i thought it was great.

what does racquetballs and blow-up dolls mean?

When I was in high school I was a really goofy kid.  It took me a while to get to that point where I could be comfortable in my own skin (ya know, from being teased in elementary school and all).  I got to the point where  talked to one of my friends about if we were to write our own auto-biographies what would the title be. 

(For security purposes I will call my friend Exhibit A)

Exhibit A and I were good friends.  I appreciated her laughing at my attempts at humor.   I think she more laughed at my sincerity. 

Anyway, getting off track.

While my goofyness stage was full swing, I was obsessed with the RACQUET BALL from the first Rocky movie. Ya k now, Slyvester Stallone was always walking around with a racquet ball in his pocket and I thought that was AWESOME!!!

So for christmas I asked for a racquet ball and I got one and it was the best present ever!!!!!!!! LIKE OMG!!! 

Anyway, that basically where the racquet ball part of this whole thing came up.

The other part: Blow up dolls is a different story. 

I can’t remember the exact moment when “DEBRA THE BLOW UP DOLL” came into my or how exactly blow up dolls got started with the teenage years but i’ll do my best to explain.

In high school I went through a metrosexual phase.  This means that I took forever to get ready to go out.  I wanted to look extra special and sexy for all those ladies.  And apart of me new that I looked good, ya know, cause I put so much effort into it.  I was a skinny extra pale skinned kid and who wanted to be the best “eye candy ever.”

I was so obsessed with the way I looked that as some point my family (specifically my sister and mom) thought I was gay. 

I am not. 

This is where I think the blow up doll comes into play.  OHHH BOYYYYEEE

My sister and mom wanted to know if I was gay and I said “no way”

Then they were like “well why don’t or haven’t you had a girlfriend”

I said “I don’t know, you don’t think i’m trying, why do you think i get dressed up all the time, it’s ok i’ll just use my secret blow up”

Now is that verbatum?  NOWAY!!!

and then my family was joking with me about it and asked me what her name was and i said HER NAME IS DEBRA. 

and they said ohhhh!!! debra. 

Anyway we were joking about it for a while and eventually my sister travelled to denmark where there is alot open sex.  ya know instead of closed sex.

she brought back of course a little 1 ft tall blow up doll with huge boobs. 

she served as debra. 

At one point I put 2/3rds of her body in my locker and her feet were sticking out of my locker as a joke.  it looked pretty funny while walking down the hallway. 

So back to the classroom where i was talkint to EXHIBIT A: i was super excited and thought my autobiography name should be RACQUET BALLS AND BLOWUP DOLLS.  I believe we thought her title should be A SURFERS RICE or something like that.  sorry exhibit A, that i can’t remember exactly what it was.

but this is me attempting to put my autobiography into action

I will post some old postings from my xanga account

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